Hey, frankie, let's go have a picnic.
No! I don't trust you!
I got your favorite cupcakes.
Are they real this time?
( screams ) mom!
He's your brother! Your damn brother!
( grunts )
Get over here!
Where did you get those cameras, you little punk?
Ow!
Where'd you get those cameras?!
Did you steal them?!
Get back here, you little fucker!
I'm gonna kill you!
♪
♪ livin' on the edge of the city limit line ♪
♪ this is where the boundary finally ends ♪
♪ and I swear that we're the last livin' souls ♪
♪ in a populated ghost town
( phone rings )
♪ all the billboards are our best friends ♪
( phone rings )
♪ on the outside of memphis all the building look big ♪
♪ and the white picket fences
♪ all dare to charge around the lawn ♪
♪ and hold their heads up high ♪
♪ when my headlights find them out ♪
♪ they'll be the first to put their hands in the air ♪
( phone rings )
♪ with my radio on
♪ singin' a country song
♪ soft and low
( phone rings )
Mom, I can't talk.
Uh-oh. You sound tense.
I'm not tense. I'm writing.
Can I call you back?
No, no, no, it'll only take a second.
What are you writing?
What do you think I'm writing, mom?
Writing books you never finish is masturbation, frank.
And I mean that with love,
So don't take it as an insult.
Anyway, there's a party
On Friday for your brother,
And he wants you to come.
Mom, I don't see bruce. I don't talk to bruce.
You know it, he knows it.
It's been three years now!
Get over it! Mom, I'm hanging up.
I'll call you back.
He's off drugs.
He wanted it to be a surprise.
I know you two have your stuff,
And his counselor said everyone
Has to go through this on their own time,
But if you can come to his graduation thing,
I think you should.
Mom...
I just don't think it's a good idea.
I'm really into this book and...
I just started a garden.
It looks amazing.
But tell bruce
I'm proud of him.
No, you know what? I'll tell him myself.
I'll write him a letter.
Oh, my god.
Would you really do that?
And when he finds out you're not coming
And he overdoses in a crack house,
We can read it at his funeral!
( phone slams )
( sighs )
Frank: Fuck!
♪ I don't need no complications ♪
♪ and I don't need no...
♪ I don't need no whiskey chasin' ♪
♪ you just set me up and I'll take it down ♪
♪ yeah
♪ and I don't got nowhere to be, mama ♪
♪ you put on that music so damn low ♪
♪ and I will rock you slow and easy ♪
♪ lots of love to burn your soul ♪
( door shuts )
Oh, there you are! Bruce called.
All the other families are there. I don't wanna be late. Chris, he's here!
Hi, mom.
Come on, the "hi" was implied.
Mwah.
A lot of pictures of bruce.
Bonnie hubbard's son raped a girl
When he got out of rehab.
We want bruce to feel loved.
Sure. Chris!
I'm here! Stop yelling!
Why are you wearing the burgundy one?
I suggested the blue! What? You said red!
Tell your son it's time for him to move back home.
What? My people are jewish.
Moses led us out of the desert.
It is disrespectful to go back.
Would you please stop picking on him? If what happened to him
At his wedding happened to you at your wedding,
You'd wanna hide in the desert, too.
Oh, so now he's guilty? Is that what you're saying?
Guilty? Who said anything about him being guilty?
You did! And you said it in your own words!
Look at that! That is not a blue sweater! That's a gray sweater!
We'll have to use your car.
What's wrong with yours?
We don't have cars right now.
Bruce stole them for drugs.
We said we wouldn't tell him! Who said we wouldn't tell him?
I'm sorry... Bruce stole your cars and sold them for drugs?
Why are you so hard on your brother?
Drug addiction is a disease.
Would you be mad at somebody because they got cancer?
If they stole my fucking car, I would.
Just don't mention it tonight.
Besides, the mopeds are fine.
They're all we could afford.
Apparently, the insurance company
Doesn't consider it theft if it's family.
( applause )
Hi, my name is bruce, and I am an addict and an alcoholic.
( applause ) bruce: Thank you. Thank you.
Today's a big day for me. I just came out of rehab.
And today I am 90 days sober.
( applause )
( whispering ) who's that woman?
( applause ) bruce: Thank you. Thank you.
I know her.
( applause ) bruce: Thank you.
( whispering ) be quiet. Hmm?
Shh. Yes.
( applause ) thank you.
My disease had left me in a...
In a drug-induced sleep.
It was rough,
But even then I had a dream.
Just like this guy.
Just like old marty king.
I had a dream. ( chuckles )
My slavery was not picking cotton
Or eating gumbo or whatever,
But it was gin and it was cocaine,
And I have been released.
( applause )
Thank you.
Today I would like to thank mom...
And dad and frankie.
This is for you.
( applause ) thank you.
Oh! Bruce: There they are!
There he is!
Ohh...
Mwah.
You look so great today.
There's my leading man!
Say something, frankie! Would you not do that, please?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been waiting three months to get this puppy back in my hands.
Bruce put his directing career on hold while he was getting better.
They don't allow cameras in rehab.
( whispering ) is that really jack knoll?
Bruce ( whispering ) oh, yeah, I never told you.
Jack! Jack, come over and meet my family.
Two seconds!
( whispering ) we might be doing a picture together.
With you directing? Uh-huh.
Oh, did you hear that? Oh, my god!
When did you become a director, bruce?
Dude, I've been directing my whole life.
Don't you remember all those funny movies you used to make when you were boys?
He tortured him. Bruce tortured him on film.
That's not true.
( chuckles ) it's good to see you.
I haven't seen you-- I haven't seen you since the wedding.
Right? Yep.
You're not still mad about that, are you?
Let's just forget about it, bruce. Right.
You don't wanna talk about it? No, not really.
It's just that I kinda wanted to talk about it.
Do you think it would be okay just to keep this about now? That's not a problem.
Jack knoll. Isn't he that actor with all those guns? Didn't he shoot somebody?
Hey! Bruce, your old man's fuckin' gossipin' about me, man.
I'm just kidding, man. I'm just kidding. I'm jack.
I love you people.
I just grazed him, didn't really hurt him.
Listen, your son, this man here...
Saved my life.
If it hadn't been for him,
I would've just ripped my skull, right from above my eyebrows,
Just ripped it off and taken my brains and smashed them out.
This man is a saint.
Those are sweet words. Thank you, jack.
Bruce, are these your parents?
Oh, yes. Um...
You must be so proud.
Dharma, this is my family.
Are you in show business?
Mom, this's dharma d-cup.
She's been in like a billion porn movies.
Karen: Really? Yeah, but I'm done with all that.
I'm gonna try and get into real acting.
I'm sure you'll be great.
Thanks.
You're a terrific actor.
What?
You... You have a talent.
You... The way you played that comedy.
It's so rare, so special.
You're a great actor. Thank you.
What is he talking about?
Your short. Your short, man. Super.
What--what short? My short.
The short that I shot at ucla film school, bro. Remember?
About the wedding.
Right. You showed them my wedding video?
You know what? It's not actually called "my wedding video" anymore.
It's called "the wedding video" for copyright reasons.
Frank. Frank!
Frank, they didn't know it was real!
They thought that you were actor!
And come on, it's not like a million people haven't seen it already!
It wasn't a million people, bruce! It was 18 million people!
Okay, I shouldn't have shown it to jack without asking you first.
Oh, you think?
And I shouldn't have put it on the internet.
That was a mistake.
Okay, frank, I'm sorry!
Did you just say you were sorry?
I shouldn't have put your wedding tape on the internet.
I regret it. It was a long time ago.
I've been a shitty brother, but I'm a different person now.
I'm sober...
And I would like us to start again.
( sighs )
All right, fine.
I'm gonna cook you breakfast before you go tomorrow.
See ya tomorrow.
I love you, frank!
( horn honks )
Hey! Watch it!
( both groan )
Why aren't you in a car?
What?
This is l.A. Nobody walks here.
Take a little bit of advice and learn the lay of the land, flatfoot.
Yeah, well, let me give you some advice. There's a rehab back there.
Are you trying to say I'm an alcoholic?!
Because that is ridiculous!
Alcoholics don't even ride bicycles, buddy!
They drive in a car!
So you are that! You are an alcoholic!
( groans )
Lady, are you--are you okay?
Hey.
Great.
Lady...
Lady.
( sighs )
( inhales deeply )
( horn honks ) oh, fuck!
Where am I?
( sighs ) in a parking lot.
Why am I in a parking lot?
You passed out.
So you stayed with me?
Yeah.
Okay, tell me where you live and I'll take you home.
( crying )
I don't know where I live anymore.
I went home today and my-- my fiancé...
I dressed like this to surprise him.
And then I get home and he was there...
And he was playing tag.
Tag?
Naked tag...
With the guy who cleans the pool.
The pool boy, I guess.
And he's like, "babe, what do you mean you haven't heard of naked tag before?
You haven't heard of it?"
I'm like, "no, I haven't heard of it,
"because it's not even a game, and I'm not an idiot,
So stop saying that it's a game."
He's like, "babe, I have an erection,
But it's only because I'm super competitive!"
And I'm like, "who's competitive in tag?!"
Have you even ever heard of anybody that's competitive in tag?!
No, because it's a game that you play with your friends!
It's a friendly game!
It's usually pretty friendly.
He gets me drunk and then he sits me down and he just tells me...
Everything.
I'm sorry. God.
I have no idea why I'm laying all of this on you.
I don't even know you. I'm really sorry.
No, it's okay.
Really.
( sniffles )
I'm sorry.
Um... ( sighs)
( sniffles )
I don't know what your plans are,
But do you maybe wanna like go somewhere?
( sighs )
Yeah, you know, let's go somewhere.
( sniffles )
Sure.
Okay.
( car starts ) great.
( crying )
Would you mind putting your seat belt on?
It doesn't matter!
It doesn't matter if I live or die!
Okay.
( whispering ) oh, wait, no. Wait, wait.
My parents are asleep in there.
There's a-- there's a place in back.
Oh, shit. That's actually my brother's stuff.
( sighs )
I made this when I was a kid.
Cool.
So you don't live here?
No. No, um...
I actually live in death valley.
What do you do in death valley?
I've just been kind of camping out and trying to write this novel.
Okay. Is this all right?
Um...
Yeah, sure.
So what do you write about?
Um...
Revenge, mostly.
Wait, what is your name?
( chuckles ) frank.
Frank, I'm lassie.
Hi. Hi.
So, frank, I was just wondering
If perhaps you could just want me... Tonight.
You can do, honestly, whatever you want to me.
Like really pretty much anything.
Okay, uh, lassie... Uh-huh.
Could we maybe kiss first?
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
What's the matter? What? What?
You're not hard. What's wrong? Am I doing something wrong?
No, we--we just started.
Right, but I mean...
Actually, lassie, you're kind of squeezing.
I am? Sorry.
Is that better?
Uh, I mean, you're still squeezing.
Really? Fuck.
Okay, how about that?
Um, that's a little better.
Yeah?
Oh, my god. You can eat my bra.
I'm not just saying that. It's edible.
I got it at a sex shop.
It's not toxic. It's a turn-on.
Lassie, I think I'm okay for now.
Um, maybe later.
I'll just... I'll keep it on.
So, yeah.
But you're gonna like--
You will eventually get hard tonight, right?
I'm just asking. It'll happen?
It's never been a problem before.
I think-- I think we'll be fine.
Great.
( sighs )
I'm sorry that I'm crying. It's stupid.
You must feel like enough of a failure.
( sniffles )
Which you shouldn't.
Lots of guys can't get erections sometimes.
God damn it! I just don't understand why I'm taking care of you!
Because you know what?
This is actually a really fucking horrible time
For this to be happening to me!
I just don't-- I don't understand it!
I don't understand why nobody will fuck me!
Shh!
Your parents. Right, I'm sorry. Fuck.
( sniffles )
Thank you.
( sighs )
Fucking hell.
I should just go. So I'll--I'll go.
You don't have to go.
Really, you don't have to go.
All right.
Okay, I literally never talk about this.
I found out my fiancée was cheating at our wedding.
Really?
We were only getting married because she was pregnant.
Turns out it wasn't my kid.
Wow.
My best man.
No way.
What'd you do?
I hit her in the face.
( chuckles ) what? Sorry.
It wasn't really a hit. It was more like a slap.
( sighs )
And then I pulled her hair a little.
And then I got an upset stomach and I...
I threw up on her.
It was fucking terrible.
I knew...
I knew that I knew you from somewhere!
I saw that video! I saw your wedding video on the internet!
Yeah, well, a lot of people did.
Why did you put that on the internet?!
I didn't. My brother did.
It's so weird. My friends used to watch that video all the time.
They thought it was like the funniest shit ever.
Yeah.
I never did, though.
I thought that it was just sad.
Like watching someone get their heart stepped on right in front of you.
Or something.
Well, you're like the only person who ever saw that.
( sniffles )
You still hate her? The girl.
No.
Yeah.
She sounds exactly like peter.
Just a lying, cheating, whore bitch.
My god.
Go on.
No, I just think that that's really selfish
And cruel and evil and whore-like.
Okay, one more time. Slow.
Oh, okay. Um, okay.
She was-- what was her name?
Sandra.
Sandra is a fucking...
Horrible...
Cunt-face...
Bitch.
And she fucked you up.
She fucked you up and she sent you to death valley to die.
Holy shit! Holy shit!
Okay, now stop talking! I can't believe it!
Stop talking! I can't believe it!
( birds chirping )
( grunts )
( sighs )
( chuckles )
Morning, mom.
Morning, horn-dog.
I saw your lady friend leaving.
I'm gonna take a shower.
Oh. Hey, bro. Hey. Sorry.
I didn't know you had company.
Oh, no, that's okay. You remember claudia, right? My editor.
Oh, we weren't-- we're just friends.
I mean, she'll come over and let me eat her out sometimes,
But it's not serious.
Hi, frank.
Oh, wait. Bro, I wanted to talk to you.
Um, I wanted you to know that I filmed you and that chick last night.
And I am glad that I did.
When she hit you with her bike--
It was awesome. Bang! Fuckin' love happens.
Italian vibe. Let's see what happens next.
Like very early cassavetes.
But I heard you loud and clear last night
When you talked about wanting to be in the loop and all that shit.
And here's the deal: I dropped a copy of what I filmed off at jack's.
Good for you, baby. All right, get it back.
He asked me to be honest, and I've just been honest.
It's pathetic. Bruce...
Oh, shit! Let me handle this.
What? Bro...
I'm sorry.
Okay, I didn't film you two having the sex,
If that's what you're worried about it.
I mean I watched it. But I didn't film it.
Okay. Bruce, you're gonna give me the address,
And I am gonna go pick up whatever it is you gave him.
Why are you being like this? We just had a beautiful moment.
We had another beautiful moment-- give me the fucking address!
Boys, stop fighting!
I finally get my life in order!
I finally find someone in the business who believes in me!
And I ask my baby brother for one little favor
To help me achieve my dream, and will he help?
How is jack knoll seeing a movie
Of a drunken woman hitting me with her bike helping you get your dream, bruce?!
Stop fighting!
Because it's funny, man! It's fuckin' funny!
Not as funny as the stuff in the clubhouse.
What did you say? Nothing.
Bro, you just swore to me that you didn't film me in the clubhouse.
No, I did not. I swore that I didn't film you having sex.
And that was true.
But we had sex in the clubhouse!
We had sex almost immediately in the clubhouse.
I mean, that's what we did in the clubhouse.
That depends how you define sex. ( chuckles )
Personally, I think that sex involves one of the people having an erection.
Yeah, that's usually the case. Will you shut up?!
I'm just saying, it took quite a while for that to occur.
But when you finally, finally did achieve that erection--
And good for you, bro-- but when you did, I cut.
Because, as far as I'm concerned, sex is a private thing,
A sacred thing between two people, even if it takes a while.
Bruce, bruce-- listen to my rationale.
How many movies have sex in them?
All of them.
How many movies have impotence?
None of them.
Impotence makes us pop.
Am I wrong?
Wow, wow, wow, you just hate that I'm making
Something of my life, don't you?
You just hate the fact that I'm a director now.
No, I don't. You know why?
Because you're not a director!
You're a fucking pervert and a freak!
Well, listen to this: Action! Cut! Action! Cut!
Fucking action!
That's directing, my friend.
Come on, man, just let him watch it once.
Did it even occur to you there's another person in your stupid film?
I mean, did you even think about that?
Mr. Knoll!
Jack!
Jack?
You're just gonna walk in?
Jack?
Hello?
( oinking )
Bruce: Buddy?
Is this his house?
He must be redecorating.
Jackie boy!
Hey, man!
Hey! Almost done!
What's up? You look amazing!
Where's all your stuff, bro? Collection agency.
Said they're coming for my treadmill this morning.
Let 'em try. Let 'em try!
He's got a gun. He has a gun.
That's a gun. He's virile.
Mr. Knoll... Call me jack, son!
How's my form?!
Uh, pretty good.
So my brother dropped off a dvd-- haven't seen it yet!
I thought you said that you were gonna watch it before your agent came over.
Agent dropped me as a client!
Said no one'll hire me! Fuck him!
I should've fired him years ago!
Got me up for grandpa roles now!
Come here! Look at this! Come here!
Hit my ass!
Frank, hit it! Really hit it! Hit my ass!
I'm not hitting his ass. Punch his fucking ass.
Come on! Hit it hard!
Yah! Damn right! Does that feel like a grandpa ass to you?
Not at all. No.
That ass is harder than a dick on viagra!
But no, I got an agent who says, "take the grandpa roles. They die in the end."
He's a lunatic. He has a gun.
We're gonna get the dvd and get the fuck out of here.
Bruce, we gotta do movies where there's lots of fucking!
Don't worry, I can see it in your eyes, I'm fine.
Watch this, motherfuckers!
Where's my addiction, bruce?! Way back there, jack!
Can you see it, bruce?!
Fucking way over there!
Fuck you, addiction! You cannot catch me!
I win! I win!
You win! I win!
Come on! Let's watch your movie!
Action!
Hey! Watch it!
( both groan )
Make him turn it off! I can't. He's enjoying it.
Jack: Frank, you got talent!
He said you're talented.
Isn't the camera work good?
Oh! Frank?
Hey. Jack: What are you doing?
Oh, shit! Get out!
What the fuck was that?
You didn't see that spark? What?!
What are you doing here?
That'll dry right out.
What are you doing here?
Frank...
You know my daughter? She's your daughter?
Dad, could you maybe put some clothes on? Maybe?
This is your dad? Yeah.
Oh. Hi.
How do you know my lassie?
I... I... Rehab.
From rehab, last night. I was late.
I was on my way to see you. Yep. Exactly.
And I ran into him. Exactly.
How do you know my father?
My brother was his roommate.
Hey. In rehab. Brother?
The brother...? Yep. Mm-hmm. That one.
I'm gonna finish my workout. Okay.
God, what a coincidence.
He's an amazing man, your father.
Oh, jack, don't forget the treadmill's on!
( thud ) jack: Oh, shit!
But I fell.
Frank: What is wrong with you?
People are not just wandering around,
Waiting for you to make movies about them, bruce.
This is a public space, frankie.
They don't wanna be filmed, they shouldn't come here.
Jack: Where are we going?! Where are you taking me?!
We're going home, dad. Take me back in there!
You heard the doctor! He's an orderly.
Don't contradict me, god damn it!
What's wrong?
He wants drugs. Jack!
Come here, please. Please, listen to me, man.
I am in deep pain, man.
The doctor said I needed some painkillers.
No, the doctor said advil is fine.
Told me oxycontin. He did not say oxy--
He did not say oxycontin. He said oxycontin.
You do not need it, jack. Shh.
Give me a darvon. Okay, jack, listen to me.
Drugs are not your friend. I am your friend.
And what I'm gonna do as your friend,
I'm gonna take you to a meeting.
Can I get your car keys?
I'm gonna take him to a meeting.
Make sure you get that dvd.
I've been abducted! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come here!
Jack! Don't do it, jack!
Give me those fucking pills!
Well, it's nice to see you again.
Yeah, you really don't have to say that to me.
What are you talking about? I mean, I knew you weren't going to call me.
Which is actually totally fine, so...
Uh, I already did. Twice.
Check your phone.
I don't... Look, frank,
I don't do what we did last night, okay?
And I know that lots of girls say that,
But I really never, ever, ever do that stuff.
Okay.
And now it turns out that you know my father, who I want to kill,
And anytime I get sucked back into his whole crazy world,
It ends very, very badly. So...
Lassie, I actually don't know your dad,
But I do know what it's like to want to kill a relative.
But hey, look...
I'm not trying to suck you into anything.
I'd just really love to go out on, like,
A regular date with you, you know?
We could see a movie.
Maybe get something to eat that isn't part of your underwear.
( both chuckle )
Oh, my god.
( clears throat )
Hi, everyone, my name is jack.
Uh, I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict.
All: Hi, jack.
Drugs and alcohol...
Cost me my career as a movie star.
And I only say that in case any of you doubt
That this disease can take away
The things that you love the most.
That's what happened to me.
Uh, just one more thing...
If any of you ladies wanted to have sex with me
Back when I was a somebody and didn't get a chance...
Meet me out back.
I also have a pool.
( applause )
Ever work at a strip club?
Bruce? Yeah?
Hi, my name's david. Hi.
This is my wife natalie. Hello.
We related to everything you said in the meeting.
We wanted to be in the movie business our whole lives.
And when we got sober, we swore we would finally do what we were supposed to do.
That's why we started our company.
Los angeles pictures.
Los angeles.
Angels.
Did you know that angels are everywhere?
I did not know that, david.
There's one standing next to you.
Don't be afraid.
That's sonya. She follows us.
Did you come with jack knoll?
Are you friends?
Jack? Yeah, big time. Good friend.
No, hit it, hit it, hit it.
Do you think that you and jack would be interested in
Making movies with us about angels?
Thanks to dentistry, we have plenty of money.
Oh. You guys are like christian tooth fairies.
( all laugh )
That's amazing! We're ready to go!
Oh!
We're just looking for like-minded artists to join us.
You know what's weird?
Jack, only yesterday, was talking about
How much he loves angels.
( gasps ) oh, my god.
It's a miracle. It's a miracle.
So, how much money do you guys have?
( both laugh )
We have a lot. Shh.
Uh-oh. Shh.
Shall we pray?
Let's! Let's pray!
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, claudia...
Shh. Shh. Shh. Be very quiet.
Help! Mom!
Shut the fuck up!
Okay, okay! Just do it!
( gasps )
( door opens )
Hey, bro. Where you been?
Well, jack and I went to a meeting.
After which I was approached by some very serious film producers.
I need my keys. I'm late to meet lassie.
Okay, have a good time.
You got the dvd, right?
Weren't you supposed to get the dvd?
How do you know he's not home?
He stayed for another meeting.
So, where you gonna take lassie?
Just get the dvd out of the player and stop talking.
Why are you always so mean to me?
It's fucking gone!
Shh. He's sleeping.
Frank: Fine.
Where are you going?
I'm going to get it.
What if he has an alarm?
You think he has an alarm? He has no furniture!
But you think he's gonna pay for an alarm?
Use your head, frankie!
I'm sorry! I'm not a god damn criminal!
Yeah, well, it's just as well,
Because you'd be a terrible one.
Bruce, the guy has guns! I know he has guns!
And he will use them on us if he ever watches that video.
So are you gonna help me get it back?
Or are you gonna stand out here all night and whine like a little bitch?
Oh, I'm a bitch? I'm a bitch?
Then how come you're the one
Always sucking jack knoll's balls?
He's my friend!
( squeals )
The pig is in the pool. The pig is in the pool?!
Fuck. He's fine. He's swimming.
What are you talking about?! Pigs can't swim!
Jack shouldn't have kept a pig by the pool.
It's irresponsible. It's not our fault.
We are not leaving him in there!
Fine, you go get him. You get him!
I'm going on a date after this!
I can't swim! What?!
I can't swim, frankie! I never have!
I don't like water! I can't even drink the stuff!
Fuck!
( gasps )
I think he's dead! I think he's dead!
Heimlich him! Heimlich him?!
Do it! Heimlich him! Squeeze his little belly!
Oh, shit!
( squeals )
Is that a condom?
Yeah, that's definitely a condom.
Get it off!
Who the fuck is out here?! Jack! Jack! It's bruce!
Don't shoot, don't shoot! What are you doing here?
I was worried about you. Hey, dharma d-cup.
And I thought it would be good if I could be here when you got home.
And it's a good thing that we were, because your pig fell in the pool, man.
Is he all right? He's fine.
We saved him.
Mr. Knoll...
Since we're already here,
Would you like us to get the dvd player fixed?
That's a good idea, frankie.
Jack: Oh, don't worry about it.
My housekeeper took it home with her.
Her husband fixes 'em.
( latin hip hop playing )
Hey, guys.
We're looking for ramon and celia.
They just left right now, bro.
Right. Um, do you know where they went?
None of your business.
You're done now?
What's up, homes?
Listen, cecilia, the chiquita who lives here,
She works for a guy called jack knoll.
You know jack knoll? He's a big tv actor.
You don't have a tv. That's okay.
Jack's a really good amigo of mine,
And he sent me over to just grab something from--
They just left. If you wanna come back a little--
Maybe we'll just have a quick look.
Maybe I'll just break your fucking legs if you take another step.
Oh, you're gonna do it?
Okay. You're a lot bigger standing up.
Frank: Sorry to disturb you. Just get the fuck out of here.
You see that?
( clattering )
I can see it! It's just here!
Oh, my god.
You have to do it.
What? You have to go in.
I swore on my sobriety that I wouldn't steal anymore, frank.
And besides, breaking and entering a stranger's home
Is definitely a felony, and I've already got two strikes!
If you think you're going to manipulate me and get me--
Fine! I'll go. I'll do it. That's fine.
Bruce! Neither of us should do it!
But, frank, if I get caught and go down for 30 years,
Will you do me a favor?
Promise you won't put mom in a nursing home.
Frank: Wait! Wait!
Stop pushing me! Okay.
( clattering ) ugh!
You okay?
( tv playing )
( speaking spanish )
( grunting )
( speaking spanish )
Aah!
What are you doing?! He's attacking me!
Shake him off! He's really strong!
Frank, frank! Stab him!
What?! Take this knife and stab him!
I'm not fucking stabbing him, bruce!
He's a million years old, it doesn't matter!
Okay, just bring him over here! I'll stab him!
Aah! He fucking bit me!
Give me the dvd player!
( speaking spanish )
Frank, good luck.
Bruce! Bruce!
What the fuck?!
It really took you 14 hours to get me out?
When bruce gets arrested, we always let him spend the night.
Your mother and I decided we shouldn't play favorites.
Bruce is a fucking criminal!
Ex-criminal.
And you're scarcely in any position to judge.
Here.
Come on.
Stop sign! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ah, there we go.
( phone rings )
Hello.
I am so sorry about last night.
Don't even worry about it. Bruce called me.
He told me all about your father's scare.
Are they sure that it's not a heart attack?
Yeah, he's...
They said he's fine.
Good.
So, you wanna get together later?
Right. Well...
Frank, I just don't think that I have the time.
Right. Okay.
The relief organization that I work for, they just offered me
This position in china that I'm thinking about taking.
So, it's just kinda crazy right now.
But if I'm ever in death valley,
Then, you know, I'll absolutely give you a call.
Okay.
Okay. Have a safe trip.
( beeps )
Ow! Fuck. Ow.
Hey, bro. I got it.
All broken up.
I also got all the tape. That's for you as well.
And don't worry, jack's maid isn't gonna press charges.
Are you okay, bro?
Did someone touch you in prison?
Look at me and tell me you don't have any more copies.
( sighs )
I swear on my sobriety
That I don't have any more copies.
Now swear that no one else has any.
Bruce: Okay, since your impotence
Is apparently so embarrassing to you,
I had claudia completely re-edit my movie.
Which means, technically,
I don't even have to show it to you.
Because as you will soon see,
This movie no longer has anything to do with you.
But I'm happy for you to see it,
Because you're my brother and I love you.
Claudia, play it for him.
Well, what you're about to see, in my opinion,
Is a serious step back from the integrity of bruce's original work.
Would you just press play, please.
Okay, will you just stop yelling at me? You're being rude.
Just play it.
♪
What's wrong? What's wrong? What? What?
( sped-up voice ) you're not hard. What's wrong wrong?
Am I doing something wrong? No, no, no. We just started.
Um, actually, you're kind of squeezing.
I originally planned to put fuzz face on the genitals,
But it's actually a lot funnier with genitals.
Especially since you were having so much trouble with your genitals.
I'm sorry. Who the fuck are you?! Bruce: This is arthur.
Arthur, this is frank. Arthur's a bigwig in the whole fuzz-face game.
And what exactly did you plan to do with this?
It's gonna be submitted to a sex-tape site in the valley.
It's a do-it-yourself fornication and lighting emporium
Called choose a lamp and go fuck each other dot com.
Please get hard! Please get hard! Please get hard!
Aah!
Oh, shit!
Claudia: Frank, you ungrateful little bitch!
We did this so you wouldn't have to be embarrassed!
Aah!
( frank and bruce grunting )
Hey, idiots, I uploaded it without the fuzz face.
Now your film is gonna be seen the way it was meant to be seen.
( grunting )
What?!
Are you into lesbians?
That's a thing with guys, right?
The girl is jack knoll's daughter!
Great art hurts, bruce!
Mmm, boobs. I love your boobs. Mmm.
( tires screech )
( horn honks ) do not honk my horn!
Can you go around him? Oh! Oh! Oh!
Look who's suddenly nervous about someone seeing the movie!
Yes, I am nervous about being killed!
As soon as he sees that video, you don't think he's gonna kill you, too?
I am nervous about being actually shot!
Not about the possibility of maybe somebody on the internet
Seeing my embarrassing wiener!
( grunting )
Bruce: Open hand! Open hand!
Hey. Excuse me?
Kip. Hip. It's him. It's him.
( laughs ) ah, your video was dope, dog.
I'm the director.
The most original sex tape ever made, right?
Shut your mouth. We'd like it back.
I mean, a sex tape with no sex:
That is just like... Genius.
Yeah, it was great.
The thing is, it was actually sent to you by mistake.
So, we're really gonna need you to destroy it.
I can't do that. Once it goes up, it's up for 72 hours.
Wait, wait wait. You're saying it's on the internet now?
Come check it out. You got some great feedback, dog.
Dad! Cut it with the welding, man! Come on!
Is that all for me? Oh, my god. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's you.
Here's the deal: Either take it down right now or--
Is five boners good? Five boners is great.
That's five out of five? Five out of five boners.
And they're real stingy with boners.
Yeah, they don't give boners for anybody.
Dad, we have customers!
Pal, pal, you wanna negotiate? No, I don't.
They call me alfred bitchcock.
( laughs ) that's hilarious. That is funny.
I don't know what that means, though.
You want a car? I don't want a car.
I got a '93 honda right outside.
I have a dui and I drive a vespa.
Kinky in kuala lumpur thinks that I'm a visionary.
If other men are on our site and they see a guy like you,
Having trouble getting an erection,
Keeping an erection, forming an erection... Right.
I think that they'll feel a lot better about themselves.
I don't want to be too forward, but would you like to get some coffee or something later?
Any time. Oh, that'd be great.
Oh, wait, did you mean romantically?
Most certainly romantically.
Bruce, can we leave, please? Sure.
All right. Hey, send us more stuff.
Seriously, guys, you cannot fucking mess with people's lives like this!
( whispering ) I really appreciate your support.
You will take this down, or you will face the fucking consequences!
( whispering ) I will call you.
Do you think I didn't just see that?
You heard the guy. They've only got like 15,000 subscribers, tops,
Mostly in asia, and he's gonna take it down in 72 hours.
I'm not waiting 72 hours!
Why are you so embarrassed about your impotency?
I don't have impotency!
I had a brief one-time-only episode.
It happens to everyone. I was impotent last night.
I know. I was. I mean, I had just watched your video.
So it was probably some kind of fraternal sympathy softie.
But even so, claudia had to put three fingers
Up my ass last night to get me hard.
I understand your pain. We're family.
Hey. David!
No, this is a good time. I've just come from church.
Lassie: Do you want me to hum? It's just my jaw hurts.
Mother of god...
Okay, dad, that's enough.
Well, that was excruciating.
Just tell me you can get it down.
This is outside of our area of expertise,
Although sydney did just email me that it is illegal
To film someone in an unflattering manner without their knowledge.
And that was definitely unflattering.
Oh, dad!
What? Sidney, he's my partner.
How am I suppose to help you if I don't know what's going on?
I think you should call judge collins and have him issue a take-down order.
Oh, here's his number. Thank you, dear.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me! You showed the intern?!
Everything here is confidential.
They're dentists? That's right, and they are super rich, mom.
And they wanna make a movie with jack and I.
That's fantastic. I know.
I'd love to have you involved in some way.
Me? Of course.
It's been too long since you and I have created art together.
When did you two ever make art together?
My painting.
Don't you remember I sat for that?
Ugh. Yes.
Great things are happening.
Sobriety has worked wonders with your life.
Excuse me. Am I invisible?
Your beautiful sober son just put me in a porn video without my permission.
Oh, stop it. There is nothing in that video that earn it
The title of porn and you know it.
You watched it?! You showed it to mom?
You showed it to dad. To help get it down!
Mom, why would you watch that?
I watch all of bruce's films.
Besides, there is nothing wrong
With a mother seeing her son's penis in repose.
Had you gotten aroused, I would've stopped watching.
Can we stop talking about this? I am seeing a judge tomorrow.
And all of this is gonna be behind us.
Stop being such a drama queen.
Mom, I'm on a web site where people fuck fruit.
It is not people, it is one man, and it's very funny.
And don't talk with your mouth full.
Oh, my god. Please be poison.
When did he become such a prude?
Yeah, you know, I hate to say it,
But I think I agree with her on this one.
I mean, what was the point of your mother and I having sex
With the door open if we were raising a puritan?
( all laugh ) dad?
Thank you, my darling.
( phone rings )
May I be excused?
Oh, look who's finally being polite.
You know, some nights I really miss the sound of you guys making love.
Yeah, me, too.
Lassie: I'm so sorry. I didn't know who else to call.
What is going on?
( gunshot ) I swear to god,
If you fire one more shot, I'll fucking kill you!
My fiancé!
( gunshots ) my fiancé called him and told him everything!
I have no idea what he was thinking!
So of course my dad just totally flips out and he goes to grab his gun!
So I just locked him in there in the shed!
And is this a normal reaction to a situation like this?
He's freakishly protective of me in his own weird way.
Jack! Hey, buddy, it's bruce!
Jack: Stay out of this!
I'm gonna open the door, but you have to give me your gun.
No! The thing is, jack, it's really not cool
To shoot people anymore.
It's illegal.
Besides, I've got really good news. What news?
I am opening the door.
Oh, my god.
Give me the gun.
What's the news?
I got us producers. Yeah. Oh, really?! You did?!
Why don't you just take drugs? Just take drugs again.
Why would you say that?
Because you are just as bad--
You're worse, actually, when you're sober.
So please, I am begging you to take drugs, jack.
First of all, I don't think you should be calling me jack.
I think you call me dad.
Hey.
Hi.
You okay?
You sure you're okay?
Sorry if I'm giving you mixed messages.
I don't really think that it takes a genius
To figure out why I'm a little bit... Confused.
I think we're all a little bit confused.
Thanks for being a good guy.
I'm really not.
No, you really are.
What do you mean, the judge thinks we should leave it up?
Well, apparently, these gossip websites bribe clerks
To alert them when people get down sex tapes,
In case there's a celebrity involved.
Anyway, lassie is a celebrity's kid,
And there's only 48 hours left,
So the judge thinks it's just not worth the risk.
Okay, you know what? Fuck it.
Hey, mom. Can I borrow one of dad's ties?
I got my meeting with the producers and I wanna look fancy.
Oh, of course you can. Where are you going?
I'm doing what I should've done from the very beginning.
I'm telling lassie.
Why? The judge can't get down the sex tape.
What? No, wait--
I'm not asking your permission.
No, I told you, man. She's never gonna see it.
I'm telling lassie and going home.
Can you believe that pussy came from your pussy?
What about phil? Maybe he can help.
Who's phil? Phil...
I love you, mom.
( chuckles )
His cell mate from prison.
The guy who eats rats?
Don't be so negative!
He hacked into a bank and got 20 million dollars.
He's not just some guy that eats rats.
Hey, phil, it's bruce. Long time, man.
I'm actually just calling 'cause I need a favor.
( whispering ) he's talking to his friend, the ex-con. He eats rats.
Don't tell mother I told you.
Yeah, is it okay if I send over my brother?
What?! I'm not going! He's a computer whiz!
He can get the sex tape off the internet!
He's a rodent-eating ex-convict I don't know.
Hey, we're both coming.
Hello?
Phil?
Hi.
Um, is phil here?
( deep voice ) hello, bruce.
Phil?
It's phyllis now.
Oh, my god! That's weird.
I'd like to introduce you to frankie.
Oh, the brother. Charmed.
Kiss the hand.
Mmm. Oh.
Come in, boys.
♪
( inhaling deeply )
Oh, no. I am clean as a whistle.
I'm impressed.
( exhales )
( sighs )
Oh. No, thanks.
It's not nice to make a lady party alone.
Especially when she's doing you a favor.
Right.
So, uh, phil... Do you think maybe
We could get this movie down off the internet?
It's phyllis.
Yes, it is.
I get so horny when I smoke pot.
You, too?
( exhales )
You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
But I found your film very healing.
( sighs ) I've had a lot of sadness lately.
A lot of new girls do.
Grieving the lost phallus, it's normal.
It's so normal.
But I have to tell you,
When I saw what happened to you last night,
Good lord, I didn't miss my cock one bit.
Would you like to see it?
My phallus.
( chokes )
I asked if I could keep it.
I keep it in a jar.
Well, I mean, not all of it.
Some of it they had to use to construct my vagina.
It's an amazingly interesting procedure.
You don't have to go into all of that for us, phyllis.
You be nice to your auntie phyllis...
You little shit.
No, no. Frankie didn't...
Frankie would love to hear all about your penis operation.
It's just we're kind of in a hurry to get the video down.
( bang )
Why has no one asked to see them?!
Your tits?
I'd fucking love to see your tits.
And how about you, frankie? Fancy a peek?
Um...
Phyllis: I will not help people who don't support me!
What is your problem? What did I do?
You hesitated! When someone offers to show you their tits,
You don't hesitate, you look!
Bruce, I don't even know this guy!
Why should I look at his tits?!
Phyllis: Her! Motherfucker!
That's it. I'm done helping you. Bruce!
I'm not gonna be late for my meeting to watch you abuse my lady friends, frank.
Bruce, I'm sorry!
Don't say it to me!
( car door shuts )
( engine starts )
Phyllis?
It's me again.
♪
♪ when you look at me
♪ or when you think of me
♪ don't scold me
♪ but understand
♪ I don't know everything
You're a very good dancer, frank. ( chuckles )
♪ I'm just a man
♪ when I look at you
Listen, I would really like to...
But I'm actually seeing someone right now,
And I'm kind of old-fashioned that way.
Please don't be mad.
She's a very lucky girl.
So... Do you think you could... ( exhales )
Maybe help with the sex tape?
Well... ( inhales )
Since you couldn't get it up,
I may as well get it down.
( both laugh )
Let's see what we have here.
I really appreciate it, phyllis.
You know...
There is something you could can help me with.
Anything. I have this date tonight, and I really, really like this lady.
I think I might be a lesbian. You don't have any problem with that, right?
No.
Well, I got waxed for the very first time.
You know...
Down there.
( gulps ) mm-hmm.
At the end of the day, I went with the brazilian.
And, god, I hope I didn't make a mistake.
I just want everything to be pretty.
Would you like...
Would you like me to take a look?
Oh...
Would you?
Yep.
Okay.
Natalie: Mmm.
Oh, lord, again we thank you so much
For jack and for bruce.
In your name we pray. Amen.
All: Amen.
Good, good.
Thank you. Thank you.
And we also wanted to talk to the two of you about, um...
Sex. Yeah!
Uh-huh.
Well, you see, my wife and I, we're celibates.
Shut up.
We've taken a lifelong vow of chastity. Oh, my god.
Oh, we don't expect you to live a similar lifestyle.
Oh. Oh, dear no.
We could never. No.
But we do feel very strongly about our films being sex-free.
Sex-free?
Yes. ( groans )
You want a film with no sex in it?
Correct. Yes.
Lots of angels. Zero sex.
Is that going to be a problem?
Maybe. No.
Phyllis!
Oh, I love you, phyllis.
Lassie: Look at us. We're on regular date, like regular people.
It's nice. It's a miracle.
When do I get to read your book? Because I kinda want to.
Probably never. I'm pretty sure it sucks.
I'm pretty sure it sucks, too,
But I still wanna read it.
I won't judge you.
Maybe the next one.
Excuse me.
Hey, it's you.
Love the video, dude. Fuckin' hysterical.
Sorry, this happens all the time.
Seriously, seriously.
It's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.
You know it got like a million hits in three hours today?
Awesome. Fuck off. You know? Thanks. Yeah, fuck off.
Oh, it's her! My god.
I do not know how you handle that shit.
Eat my bra! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Eat my bra! Yeah!
What did he say? I don't know.
I don't think he was talking to us.
What?
Lassie: We could act out your masturbation fantasies.
Maybe that would get you hard.
Someone must've pirated a copy off the original site before I shut it down.
I'll be a cheerleader
And you be the captain of the football team.
Maybe you just need some kind of encouragement.
I'll cheer you on. I'll cheer you on. I'll cheer you on.
Please get it down, phyllis. I'll do whatever you want.
We can dance. I'll look at your penis.
Frank... Get the jar. Does it open?
Frank! Frank! I'll touch it!
Frank, I know how you feel.
You're embarrassed...
And you're ashamed...
And you want to die.
The exact same way I felt when the guys on my high school team
Walked into the locker room and I was dressed in a cheerleader's uniform.
But it was at that moment I got a glimpse
For the first time of my true me.
And that is what I want for you, darling.
Let your humiliation set you free.
Come here. Come here.
That's a very nice shampoo you're wearing.
Oh, now he'll never work with me.
Jack? Don't be silly. He adores you.
Mom, he tried to shoot a guy who cheated on his daughter.
I put her in a sex tape, which is now being viewed
By eight million people since breakfast.
It's not a real sex tape. It's just a funny little movie.
That's it. What?
It's a movie!
I will just tell jack that what I shot
In the clubhouse was a teaser for a larger film.
What's the film?
I'll work that out! It writes itself!
Hi. Hey.
I'm so glad that you called.
My dad is at a meeting, but I ordered us some dinner.
So I hope you're hungry.
Here. Sit.
I actually have something to tell you.
It's kind of the reason we're having chinese food.
You're going to china?
The opposite. I told them no.
It's just kind of the worst time for me to go.
It might have a tiny little bit to do with you.
You all right?
You do these?
I was really into knights when I was a kid.
"a strong, kind man dipped in metal."
Listen, it's actually a very normal fantasy
For a girl whose father has never been in a relationship, ever.
You can connect the dots and see why perhaps I was in need of some chivalry.
So... What did you want to tell me?
I'll tell you later.
( phone rings )
( grunts )
( phone rings )
( sighs )
Hey.
Thank you for the date yesterday.
It was really, really nice... And normal.
Listen, lassie, can I talk to you about something?
I'm actually just running into a meeting right now.
Can I give you a call back in a little bit?
Oh, and your brother,
He stopped by and he took your car.
He said he needed to trade it for a crane or something.
I don't know. He said you'd understand.
( beeps )
( sighs )
Hey, sorry I'm late.
What's going on? This is actually a really fucking horrible time
For this to be happening to me! What?
I just don't-- I don't understand it!
I don't understand why nobody will fuck me!
But everyone else has sex, why can't we?
Bruce: "why can't I?"
Everyone else has sex, why can't I?
Behold. I am an angel, sent by god, to make you pure.
Bruce: Dad! I'm gonna need more wings!
Chris: What? Bruce: More wings!
Bruce... Bruce: Cut, cut!
Isn't this fucking amazing?
What is this? I'm making a movie of that night.
What night? The night in the clubhouse, bro.
Okay, everybody, places. We're going again.
No, actually not places.
Could everyone just pack this stuff up and go home?
I'm sorry. Frankie, stop being such a girl!
Do not disrespect me in front of my crew, okay?
I will slap you down. I will fucking slap you down.
All I'm doing here is trying to make everyone else happy.
The producers want an angel. Jack won't do the movie unless dharma is in it.
Jack is in the movie?! Of course jack's in the movie! Jack's the money!
But he won't do it unless dharma's in it, who can't fucking act!
Stop fighting, both of you!
And I am doing all of this, bro,
Just to make sure that you and cassie
Don't get embarrassed.
Bruce... What?!
Isn't jack supposed to be in this scene?
Could everybody just stop talking to me?! Please!
Okay, we're going again! Last time! Rolling sound!
Bruce! Action!
Don't listen to the a-- to the angel.
Have sex. Have sex now.
Bruce: Angrier!
Have it all the time!
Oh, fuck!
What are you doing here? Tell me that you didn't know that he filmed us that night!
I didn't. I swear to god, I didn't.
Well, did you know that it was on the internet?!
Bruce: Cut! Places! We're going again!
Oh, my god.
Action. Oh.
Why won't anyone have sex with me?
Wait...
Is that an angel?
I forbid the blood to enter your cock.
Rise, pes-- penis, rise!
Bruce, could you have her say "phallus" instead?
What is all of this?
Fill with blood! Fill that member!
Bruce is making a movie so... ( sighs )
So that we won't have to be embarrassed.
What are you talking about?
Sex out of wedlock is wrong.
Get that member filled with pleasure!
I forbid the blood to enter your cock.
Phallus! I forbid the blood to enter your phallus.
I'm the devil! Fuck that pussy!
...To enter your phallus.
You big penis! Could she say "organ" instead?
Motherfucker! Come here!
Did you put my precious daughter in a porno video?!
You are fucking dead! Do you hear me?!
Oh, shit! Time to die, motherfucker!
( gunshot, screams )
Bruce! Bruce!
Fuck! Okay, okay.
Someone call an ambulance! Call 911! Call 911!
He shot me in my belly. I know, bro. I know.
Just keep breathing. Just keep breathing.
( groans ) just keep breathing.
( chuckles ) I knew you loved me, bro.
You! When you grab me and put me against the wall, you gotta really hold me!
You wanna go again, jack? Let's go!
He doesn't know anything.
He just thinks that he's playing the part of a father
Who found out his daughter's in a sex video. It's fine.
You're such a fucking asshole!
What? What's the matter with you?!
I just want an option in case we decide to go dark in the end, bro.
Lassie, I'm sorry. Leave me alone.
Lassie-- leave me alone!
But it looked that realistic?
♪ hold on to hope, love
♪ I searched high and low for you ♪
( phone rings )
♪ for you
♪ each day gets closer
♪ so hold on stronger to me ♪
( phone rings )
( grunts )
♪ someday soon
♪ I'll find you
( phone rings )
♪ someday soon
♪ I'll know you
♪ someday, ooh
♪ yeah, oh
( phone rings )
Mom, stop fucking calling!
It's not your mother.
Unfortunately, I can't bear children.
Whatever.
I saw bruce's movie, along with,
Oh, I don't know, a few million other people.
And what the fuck was he thinking, not letting me play the angel?
That woman was absolute dog shit.
So, you still talk to that girl?
She still mad at you?
She won't take my calls.
She hasn't respond to any of my emails.
Yeah, I heard through the grapevine that she's going away.
Poor thing. Where?
China.
You think you're embarrassed?
Try havin' half the planet watch some guy
Not be able to fuck you all night.
That's embarrassing, my friend.
Anyway...
I thought you should know she's going away...
Just in case one of the people on this phone call
Wanted to start acting like a man, darling.
Let your auntie phyllis
Give you a piece of advice, frankie-baby.
I don't give a shit how many people
Saw what happened in that clubhouse that night,
And I don't care what they thought about it.
They weren't there. They were just watching.
If you really fell in love with that girl that night,
Then what the fuck are you still doing in the desert?
( horn honks )
Francis...
Hey, bro.
( car door shuts )
Listen, I know we haven't talked since the whole angel debacle,
And I just wanted to say I'm really sorry.
After you left, I got to thinking...
Maybe I'm incapable of change.
But, look, no camera.
Wow, I'm impressed. Right?
You proud of me?
What time's her flight? Uh, 7:00 pm.
We better hit the road before we lose the light.
Hey, bruce, can you help me with something in here?
Sure.
You need a strong guy? Yeah.
What is it?
Frank! What are you doing?!
You're not filming this, bruce!
What?!
Plenty of food and water in there!
There's even a mirror in case you wanna jerk off!
Tv gets channel six!
I swear on mom's tits, I'm not gonna film you!
Okay, maybe one shot!
Bruce: Maybe two! A master from far away!
Bro, I just want to give you a happy ending!
Frank! I love you!
♪ I know the nervous walking
♪ I know the dirty beard
♪ hangs out by the boxcar waiting ♪
♪ take me away to nowhere plains ♪
♪ there is a wait so long
♪ so long, so long
♪ never wait so long
Hey! Dad! Tell us when people come in!
♪ here comes your man
Excuse me?
♪ here comes your man
I am a strong, kind man dipped in metal.
Dipped in metal.
And I have come to take you away from all of this...
And to protect you and to defend you...
And to apologize for sucking at it so far.
Lassie, I know all about embarrassment.
Eighteen million people saw me throw up on my fiancée,
And 35 million people saw my dick not work.
I'm standing in front of you wearing a car.
Don't go. It won't help.
Frank...
I really appreciate all of this effort. I just...
I can't live here anymore. I have to go.
I'm sorry.
Come?
Come and visit me.
I could probably use a knight.
I might have a little trouble with the metal detector.
♪
( cheering and applause )
( record scratches )
( music playing in reverse )
♪
( bruce's voice ) wow, I've never had sex with a knight before.
( bruce's voice ) I'm gonna fuck you on the round table, bitch.
Bruce: Cut!
♪
( inhales deeply )
( exhales )
Ahh.
Felt real to me.
Mmm.
♪
♪ picture they took of you in your cowboy hat ♪
♪ makes you look like you are one of the boys ♪
♪ out on a Saturday night
♪ meanwhile on the outside of the dance hall ♪
♪ I'm a joke that you'd probably enjoy ♪
♪ on the outside of memphis all the building look big ♪
♪ and the white picket fences
♪ all dare to charge around the lawn ♪
♪ and hold their heads up high ♪
♪ when my headlights find them out ♪
♪ they'll be the first to put their hands in the air ♪
♪ with my radio on
♪ singing a country song
♪ soft and low
♪ living on the edge of the city limit line ♪
♪ this is where the boundary finally ends ♪
♪ and I swear that we're the last living souls ♪
♪ in a populated ghost town
♪ all the billboards are our best friends ♪
♪ oh, which way did our last chance go? ♪
♪ and can we get out if we go right now? ♪
♪ 'cause it seems that with the malls ♪
♪ and the mega-church stadiums
♪ we would get out if we knew just how ♪
♪ with the radio on
♪ singin' a country song
♪ soft and low
♪ oh, when I've got a worried mind
♪ I know
♪ I hear the ghost of patsy cline ♪
♪ on the grand old opry show
♪ standing in line to get my self-help book ♪
♪ signed off on by the reverend who shouts to the converted ♪
♪ have mercy on this boy he did it all by the book ♪
♪ but still kind of has his doubts ♪
♪ yeah, you look pretty good in that jonquil dress ♪
♪ but your smile is a wooden nickel's pride ♪
♪ and I know that it ain't worth much ♪
♪ but it feels good to touch
♪ and I think that I could dance if I tried ♪
♪ with your radio on
♪ singin' a country song
♪ soft and low
♪ oh, when I've got a worried mind ♪
♪ I know
♪ I hear the ghost of patsy cline ♪
♪ on the grand old opry show